Keeping Secrets

When do you hold your tongue and when do you speak out? What if it is so horrible that you are afraid to say something? What if no one believes you? When I was two I was molested by my uncle. I don't remember it. I guess I'm lucky. Before he molested my sister and I, he had molested his own daughters. Before that he had tried to molest/rape my mother. My cousins blamed my mother for not speaking out. The family criticized my aunt for staying married to him. Why are we blaming everyone else for this one man's actions?

When I left home I had a distant relationship with my mother. I joined the army and got married. No one from my family came. I never tried to have an estranged relationship. When I had a child I went home to visit and eventually we moved there. My sister was going through a rough time and I had her over trying to help. Right before we moved away I found out my husband has molested my 12 year old sister. At the time it was unclear who instigated it. Did I want to believe my husband, the man who chose the broken person I knew I was? Was I afraid to leave? I had a baby and nowhere to go. Did I perhaps blame myself for fighting with him before that? Was it my punishment?

I stayed, we moved, and I kept it secret. I told one person in confidence, his stepmother. She did not believe he would do it and she apparently took it to her grave. We had more children and my family was even more alienated. We moved again, close to his best friend. Our families became close and I told his wife. She did not know what to think either, but we agreed that it was inappropriate for their daughter to cuddle with him. We were having marital problems. I often fantasized about stabbing him. His best friend told me I should leave him if I felt that way. One day, their ten year old daughter came to me and said she was not feeling well. I pulled her close and asked what was wrong. She told me that he had made a pass at her. The police said that technically he did not do anything illegal. Part of me thinks he was trying to punish me because he heard the conversation with his friend. It took several years to get myself ready to leave him. In that time I got my drivers licence, found a church, and got a job.

Because of the guilt I did not move home right away. My sister had to convince me. She even gave us a place to stay so I could get on my feet. For the longest time I still did not tell anyone. I felt it was not only my story to tell. My sister likely wont be happy if she reads this. It is not something she likes to be reminded of. My ex will probably say that I am trying to cause problems. Strangers may try to vilify me. There is this fear that if you tell someone people will judge you, that you will be guilty by association. I finally had to accept that his actions were not my fault. I did not drive him to this. I did not condone his actions. I no longer keep his secrets. Still there are those that would say that I am a vindictive ex-wife making up stories. Perhaps that is why the only person in his family I have told was his father. I don't think he believed me. I no longer keep his secret, but I no longer take responsibility for his actions either. It is not my job to protect the world. I only have to protect my family and friends.

Make-up Buddy

I have been planning on trying out my cheese making kits with Mom and went over yesterday. Since my nieces were going I grabbed my make-up at the last minute. Mom had sandwiches ready and a Frozen for my nephew to watch. I had not seen the movie and was looking forward to seeing it. I did get to see snippets between trying to get Cruz to sit down, eat, and visiting. The cheese did not get made either.

I did manage one very important thing. Maddy and I talked make-up and I tried some of my stuff on her. Look at that gorgeous heart shaped face, naturally wavy blond hair, and crystal blue eyes.

 I used my two tone cream foundation to contour her face. It was a little dark for her right now, but it wasn't bad. I gave her one of my black gel eyeliners and we tried that out. I hope she gets lots of fun with it. Then we used some products that came in our ipsy bags. We both had the Cailyn lipbalm in apple pink and the Dr Brandt's microderm abrasion. I used her lipbalm and my Dr Brandt Pores No More, I had the primer from a Birchbox. We used my Pops goes the eyeshadow in champagne as the base for both eyeshadow looks. I also cleaned up her eyebrows just a tiny bit.

I like how the contouring gives definition but still allows her skin to look like porcelain. With the neutral eyeshadow her eyes simply glow.

 For the first look I finished the eyes with my NYX eyeshadow from last months ipsy bag and the second  I used Beabombshell Bora Bora that was also in last months quad shadow. I also added a hint of her White gold eyeshadow and highlighting mousse on the top of her cheek bones. You can see this picture appears to have a more dewy look to it. The turquoise is a fun compliment to her blue eyes.

I can't wait to see how she looks for Prom in a few weeks. 

Rolling Along

I have been working on my budget, I paid ahead on my student loans, and I have money set aside for my vacation next week. Alex moved back in to work on getting her transportation and work issues sorted. The garb I ordered should be here in time for my trip and Diane and I went to our first Deodar meeting. We hope to get back into the SCA. It is great to have a friend with the same interests. Life is grand.

There is one little hitch. My car is finally about to kick the bucket. Luckily Charles has the van and is willing to help out when needed, but I need to start saving for another car. If only I had foresight I would have used my tax refund to buy a car. I canceled/ paused a couple more subscription boxes. Birchbox Man is going to be cut. It made me sad. The boys had not been thrilled with most of the items, but when the last box came today they were snatched up. I also paused the nibblr box until after my birthday. I can still cancel it at any time.

It is a busy time with planning and packing for my trip. We are also still trying to make room for Alex. I need to find out how much I can sell my car for and if it is worth more now before it actually dies. I give it a month max, likely much sooner.

December into January

I spent the last four to five weeks working or sick, usually both. I work some 12 hour shifts so I have more days off, but they really wear me down. We have had a lot of sick patients that we have to get up close and personal with while suctioning germy secretions too. Everytime I get a few days off in a row I feel like I'm feeling better, but one shift will turn it around.

I was able to celebrate Christmas a bit. I went over Becky's and dropped off gifts and then later she invited us over for Christmas dinner. Alex even stayed over Christmas Eve so she was there too. This year, or was it last year now? Anyway we switched things up and had our stockings Christmas eve. That way we could enjoy the nuts and chocolates with the movie I rented. Alex had a gift card for a manicure so she has not let me paint her nails as she was planning to get them done. Eric knew that was one thing I looked forward to doing as mother daughter. I'm not saying he was intentionally trying to spoil our thing, he may have just been trying to be a part of it. More likely he was trying to prove to her that she doesn't need to stay in Iowa with me, that Daddy's pocketbook can take care of the girly things too. He has been working on them to move there.

 The one person I have been missing this holiday just called me as I was typing. Sadly, our cousin died today. My mother and I were just talking about him today. He has been sick for the past year, but I think it must have been sudden. I think my blog catch up will be postponed for now.

Camera Phone Dump

"thanks for the new beds"

lemon tree in bloom for first time

 "do I like grapes?"

Wantable Holiday box

favorite Fall mani

finally finished the Bat Cape

'Bat" cat

 items Charles' class made in the summer 

 "how does this work?"

Julep Maven for November

I got my Julep package and was excited to try the fall colors. It had Alexandra- blond cream, and Aisha- burgundy plum creme with Brielle- burnt orange, Autumn- red orange glitter, and another Alexandra for my Alex. They also had lip gloss this month. My boho glam box came with Charming- a mauve color.

 I tried Autumn over my favorite fall nail polish before taking it off to try my new colors.

 I used Brielle for the main color then accented with Aisha and Alexandra with a top coat of Autumn. Not bad for swatching them all.

I couldn't get an Aleandra color and not do Alex's nails. Today I used Brielle with gold swoshes and brown leaves and accented the thumbs and ring fingers with branches and Autumn glitter for fall leaves.

I decided to use my Wet and Wild eye pallette to do a matching fall make up look. I waxed and plucked her brows, something she hates but loves the look. She has amazing features that are fun to play up.

I may as well do a Halloween picture dump here too. 

 I helped Ramon with his make up.

 This was my first time to try false eyelashes. I liked them and may try them again. Something more subtle though.

November "Badass" Booty Bin and Harry's shaving supplies

The boys booty bin came today while Alex was visiting. The theme was Badass. It included a t-shirt this month. The design is the tattoo that Snake eyes has from GI Joe. This box did not have any candy. It did have Star Wars cards that Alex took, a potato gun, and two stickers. The first was a Clint Eastwood sticker that Danny chose and the other was a Zangief sticker. I would not have known who that was but I recognized him as the same character as a cosplayer from a Seth Hendrix video. You really should watch him on youtube. He also does Loot Crate unboxings so that is fun. Oh right, the sticker, apparently it is from a fighting game. Alex knew who he was too.

I had ordered a shaving kit from Harry's for Danny's first shave. It came while Their father was visiting so I sent it with him to help Danny. I'm not sure Danny is convinced that shaving is fun, but at least he did not cut himself like he was afraid of. I wanted a nice set for his first shave. It is one thing to not shave because that is how you want to look or because you are lazy, but I did not want him to be afraid of shaving.

Fun with Becky

Last week I spent a day with Becky. It started with a morning cup of coffee and ended with take out and a late movie. We watched World War Z, I loved the book and this is a truncated version of it. There was so much in the book that it would make a better tv show than movie if you tried to put it all in.Mom came over sometime after coffee and my make up. Becky wanted to give her a makeover as well. I decided to try kitten wings with my look.

I think Mom looks very pretty. The close up on me is scary. Mom said the make up made her eyes itch the next day. She has a lot of allergies that I am starting to have myself. 

After that the boys found a cabinet in the garage that they wanted to paint for Ramon's room. Grandma took Ramon to buy paint for it. He chose royal blue and she picked up the beige color to calm go with it. I decided it also needed to be aged so that the blue did not look like plastic. We sanded it down, we really should have used a finer grit, and then rubbed it with brown acrylic paint. Since his walls are a more country blue, distressing it helped it fit into his room. He plans to use it to replace the large tv console taking up one wall of his room. 

Alex's Harley Quinn Costume

The concept:

I found a red corset and two pair of leggings one red and one black that I hoped would fit. I knew I would have to join the leggings, I was not prepared to have such a big issue with the corset. I had to replace the neck strap with a longer one, I chose to replace it with elastic. I also had to double the drawstring length. This led to the back being open more and lumpy. We got a jacket to cover that. Then there was a fleshy gap between the corset and leggings. We added control top hose and a tutu to reel that in. The idea is to use red duct tape to add diamonds to the skirt. Since we started I found a company that sells plus size corsets and leggings, but not in red. Good to know for the future. For now we are trying to cope.

Loving the gloves. With leftover legging bits I made Max a red cape. Maybe I will make a black one too. The corset strap and bit of elastic was used to make me a head band.

Florence a name with meaning

I decided to test out Florence as an accent nail to a Veronica and Otte skittle mani. I wonder if Grandma would approve?

Another look from last month uses Reece and Padma. These don't scream purple to me and Reece has such depth to it.

I believe I failed to post Madeline and Kai when I received them. They both have sea salt finishes and work great alone or as a pair for a baby shower. I will try to use Madeline next

Weddings and everything that goes with...

Joyce, my nieces, and I drove down to Missouri for my cousin's wedding. It was emotionally charged as I had not seen any one from my dad's side in 25 yrs. Joyce had seen Grandma a few years back and had her feelings hurt. I also did not have the fondest memories of her growing up. Before I go any further, I should say that that has changed.We showed up early and visited with Crystal while she got ready. I'm sure it was awkward for her as well. Not only had we not seen her since she was two, but she was nervous about the wedding. My nieces did get to help the wedding party with their make-up.

The mother of the bride standing in blue

 the father of the bride, love the hat Uncle Tom

 Uncle Mike, some of the ladies in front were Grandma's sisters

 bridesmaides

 Grandma Deloris Damewood

 Mother of the bride and groom

 can you see the groom on the right?

 trying to get drinks served, it was a hot day

I have to admit, I did have a melt down at one point and had to go and collect myself. Grandma recognized me right away and hugged me, I'm not sure if Joyce got upset. We are both very sensitive and it doesn't take much for us to feel rejected. That comes with having an absent father. You might note that he is not in any of the above pics as he did not come. His mother is the only one who has been able to maintain a relationship with him. Joyce was not thrilled with being introduced as Donnie's girls, to her it seemed too impersonal. 

We did enjoy our visit we stayed with Tom and Shirley after the clean-up that felt like it would never end.* Mike and Grandma came to lunch the next day. I will have to make an effort to keep in touch. Especially with so many not doing the best. 

* Note to self plan a clean-up crew with muscles when planning for a wedding. Take home containers for all the leftovers are also helpful. Who drops off a cake and doesn't leave a box to take it home.