Keeping Secrets

When do you hold your tongue and when do you speak out? What if it is so horrible that you are afraid to say something? What if no one believes you? When I was two I was molested by my uncle. I don't remember it. I guess I'm lucky. Before he molested my sister and I, he had molested his own daughters. Before that he had tried to molest/rape my mother. My cousins blamed my mother for not speaking out. The family criticized my aunt for staying married to him. Why are we blaming everyone else for this one man's actions?

When I left home I had a distant relationship with my mother. I joined the army and got married. No one from my family came. I never tried to have an estranged relationship. When I had a child I went home to visit and eventually we moved there. My sister was going through a rough time and I had her over trying to help. Right before we moved away I found out my husband has molested my 12 year old sister. At the time it was unclear who instigated it. Did I want to believe my husband, the man who chose the broken person I knew I was? Was I afraid to leave? I had a baby and nowhere to go. Did I perhaps blame myself for fighting with him before that? Was it my punishment?

I stayed, we moved, and I kept it secret. I told one person in confidence, his stepmother. She did not believe he would do it and she apparently took it to her grave. We had more children and my family was even more alienated. We moved again, close to his best friend. Our families became close and I told his wife. She did not know what to think either, but we agreed that it was inappropriate for their daughter to cuddle with him. We were having marital problems. I often fantasized about stabbing him. His best friend told me I should leave him if I felt that way. One day, their ten year old daughter came to me and said she was not feeling well. I pulled her close and asked what was wrong. She told me that he had made a pass at her. The police said that technically he did not do anything illegal. Part of me thinks he was trying to punish me because he heard the conversation with his friend. It took several years to get myself ready to leave him. In that time I got my drivers licence, found a church, and got a job.

Because of the guilt I did not move home right away. My sister had to convince me. She even gave us a place to stay so I could get on my feet. For the longest time I still did not tell anyone. I felt it was not only my story to tell. My sister likely wont be happy if she reads this. It is not something she likes to be reminded of. My ex will probably say that I am trying to cause problems. Strangers may try to vilify me. There is this fear that if you tell someone people will judge you, that you will be guilty by association. I finally had to accept that his actions were not my fault. I did not drive him to this. I did not condone his actions. I no longer keep his secrets. Still there are those that would say that I am a vindictive ex-wife making up stories. Perhaps that is why the only person in his family I have told was his father. I don't think he believed me. I no longer keep his secret, but I no longer take responsibility for his actions either. It is not my job to protect the world. I only have to protect my family and friends.